Crisis

I am visibly shaking as I pull the covers up to my neck. As I predicted, the preceding afternoon has contained a full repack of all my material, checking and re-checking the list for anything I ay've forgotten. I feel an odd sense of obligation to stay positive on this, the blog that I have promised to my generous benefactors, for the trip on which I am about to embark. Yet, if I have to smile any more, act as if I'm not terrified, I'm going to scream. My mother enters the room with my grandmother on the phone.

I snap at her.

I don't mean too but I'm panicked. Something about her tear filled voice, the pride she feels for me taking the plunge, the necessity of a good bye call… It all seems very final.

I'm not ready to go.
I'm afraid...

…I return from a brief, but anxious call from grandma in which she wishes me well and reassures me that she has been on trips just the same. She knows the creeping fear that comes with them. I'm sweating. Hot, even in this, seattle's rainy climate. What will I ever do in Israel? I push open my window as far as I can to let in the cool, Northwest air that brings back memories of sleeping in the woods under the stars. There will be none of that in Israel. I recall walking through the park today and looking at the rolling green hills and tall pines even in Othello, the tiny, baby park of Seattle's bounty of green. There will be none of that in Israel.

Now the methodic click of my keys has soothed my turbulent thoughts. I debate posting this crisis-I-have-witnessed to (what I hope to be) a growing mass of friends and family to gawk and croon at. I eventually decide that there is nothing else for it. My doubts will fade in time, the cool calm breeze will be replaced by a warm comforting blanket of air and I will fade to sleep, not in my own bed, but in an exotic dorm of the middle east. I will be at home there eventually, hums my sub-concious mind. I type the last wandering words onto a screen that I will not see for weeks.

Goodbye Seattle. This will be the last time my eyes will close for the night on your peaceful beauty until weeks have passed and I see you anew with enlightened eyes. Goodnight.